What I Discovered When I Put Down What Wasn't Mine

Part 2 of 3 in  the "Saying It Out Loud" series

After I finally spoke out loud for the first time at 31 years old, I expected to feel different immediately. Fixed, maybe. Healed. Free.

But that's not what happened.

Instead, something more subtle began: I started to see clearly what I'd actually been carrying.

And that's when everything changed.

The Burden Wasn't Mine

Here's what I learned after finally saying it out loud:

The secret was never mine to keep. Someone else created it when they violated me. I just held it for them - for 18 years - like I was somehow responsible for protecting them from the consequences of their actions.

The shame was never mine to carry. It belonged to the person who did this to me. But somewhere along the way, I picked it up and wore it like it was mine. Like I had done something shameful. Like I was the one who should feel dirty and broken.

The blame was never mine to hold. I was a child. Children don't cause abuse. Children don't deserve it. Children aren't responsible for what adults choose to do to them. But I blamed myself anyway - for not understanding what was happening, for not telling someone sooner, for somehow “letting” it happen.

The dirty feeling was never mine. Someone else's actions don't define my worth. Their choices don't determine my value. Their actions don’t make me damaged or less than or unworthy of love.

None of it was mine. But I carried it all anyway.

For 18 years, I carried things that belonged to someone else. Things that were placed on me. Things I picked up because I didn't know I could put them down.

And once I realized that - once I could see clearly what I'd been carrying - everything shifted.

What You Might Be Carrying That Isn't Yours

Maybe you're carrying something similar to what I carried.

Or maybe it's different. A different kind of secret. A different shape of shame. A different source of blame.

Maybe you're carrying:

Someone else's shame that you picked up in a relationship, a job, a family dynamic where you were made to feel like you were the problem.

Blame for things that weren't your fault - a relationship that ended, a project that failed, a situation that went wrong - and you've been punishing yourself ever since even though there were forces beyond your control.

Secrets you're keeping to protect someone else - covering for their addiction, their affair, their failures, their choices - while it eats away at you from the inside.

Expectations that were never yours - to be perfect, to never need anything, to always have it together, to make everyone else comfortable - expectations that were placed on you that you internalized as your own.

A version of yourself that someone else decided you should be - and you've been trying to fit into that mold for so long you forgot who you actually are underneath it.

Guilt for setting boundaries, choosing yourself, or disappointing people - as if taking care of yourself is somehow selfish or wrong.

Look at what you're carrying. Really look at it.

How much of it is actually yours?

The Weight of Carrying What Isn't Yours

Here's what I didn't realize while I was carrying my burden for 18 years:

It was taking up space.

Space in my mind (constant background noise of anxiety and fear).

Space in my heart (walls I built to protect the secret).

Space in my body (tension I held without even knowing).

Space in my relationships (intimacy I couldn't quite access).

Space in my life (energy diverted to keeping it hidden).

I thought I was just carrying one thing. But really, that one secret was carrying me. It was directing my choices, influencing my relationships, shaping my self-worth, limiting my possibilities.

The burden wasn't just heavy. It was in the way.

In the way of knowing myself.

In the way of healing fully.

In the way of finding my purpose.

In the way of living freely.

As long as I was carrying it, I couldn't fully access who I really was underneath it all.

How Burdens Disguise Themselves

The tricky thing about carrying what isn't yours is that you often don't realize you're doing it.

It becomes so familiar, so much a part of your daily existence, that you forget it's even there.

You think:

• "This is just who I am" (No, it's what you're carrying)

• "This is just how I feel" (No, it's the weight of what you're holding)

• "This is my life now" (No, it's what's been placed on you)

• "I'm just anxious/sad/stuck" (No, you're exhausted from carrying too much)

The burden disguises itself as your identity.

For 18 years, I thought the shame, the secrecy, the fear - I thought that was just me. My personality. My natural disposition. How I was wired.

But after I put it down? I realized: That wasn't me. That was what I was carrying.

Finding Myself Underneath the Burden

When I finally released what I'd been carrying, something unexpected happened.

I started to discover who I actually was.

For 18 years, I had been:

• The girl carrying a secret

• The person managing shame

• The one holding it all together

• The keeper of someone else's darkness

But underneath all of that? There was just... me.

Curious. Strong. Resilient. Worthy. Whole. Giving. A child of God.

The burden hadn't just been heavy. It had been covering me up. Like a blanket I'd worn so long I forgot I was underneath it.

Releasing it didn't just lighten the load. It revealed who I'd been all along.

Your Purpose is Waiting

Here's what I wish someone had told me when I was 20, 25, 30 years old:

Your purpose isn't buried under years of therapy or miles of self-help books or some distant future when you're "finally healed."

Your purpose is waiting right underneath what you're carrying.

The shame that tells you you're not enough? Put it down, and discover you always were.

The blame you've been shouldering? Release it, and find the freedom to choose differently.

The secret you've been keeping? Speak it, and hear your own voice again.

The burden that's been weighing you down? Share it, and feel how strong you actually are.

You don't need to be "healed" to find your purpose. You need to release what's in the way of it.

That's what's waiting for you on the other side of releasing what you carry.

Not just relief. Not just freedom.

Yourself. Your real self. The one who's been underneath the burden all along.

How I Found My Purpose

When I finally put down what I'd been carrying, I didn't just find myself.

I found what I was meant to do.

For years, I wondered: "What's my purpose? What am I here for? What's the point of all this suffering?"

And the answer came when I stopped carrying it alone:

My purpose is to help others do the same. With Jesus Christ as my light and guide.

• To create the safe space I needed.

• To be the person who listens without judgment.

• To help people see what they're carrying that isn't theirs.

• To support them in putting it down.

• To witness their journey from burden to freedom.

The thing I carried for 18 years? It didn't become my purpose because suffering is noble or "everything happens for a reason."

It became my purpose because I learned something through releasing it that I couldn't have learned any other way.

I learned:

• What safe space actually feels like

• How powerful it is to be truly heard

• That speaking truth out loud changes everything

• That we all carry things that aren't ours

• That healing is possible when you stop carrying it alone

And now? I am so grateful I get to create that for others.

So how do you actually release it? What does that look like practically? And what if you need help putting down what you've been carrying?

That's what I share in Part 3: You Don't Have to Carry It Alone - Your Invitation to Healing →(coming next week)

This is Part 2 of the "Saying It Out Loud" series.

Read the full series:Part 1: The Burden I Carried for 18 Years Part 2: What I Discovered When I Put Down What Wasn't Mine (you are here)Part 3: You Don't Have to Carry It Alone (coming next)

💙 If you're ready to talk about what you've been carrying, I'm here.Free sessions | No judgment | Safe space📧 renatafilarecki@gmail.com | 🌐 CoachRenata.com